Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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