There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
