Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
