Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
