Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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