he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Damn victory sex feels great
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
