I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
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