he puts the penis in happiness.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
