I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
