he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
