just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
