On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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