Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
