Swine flu. Run for my life!
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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