Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Randomize
