Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
