Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
