I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I forgot how hot balto sounded
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
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