Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
