he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
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