I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
