I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
