So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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