I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Randomize
