Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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