I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
