woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Randomize
