The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
this will be a night to untag.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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