she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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