if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
i think we sleep fucked last night...
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
