Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
