I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
