I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
