U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Randomize
