i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
