omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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