I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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