I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize