I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Who died my cat blue again?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I need to align my fucking chakras
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
