...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
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