careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
