I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
