my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
