I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
My balls are so social today.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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