Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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