I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize