Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
