I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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