I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
