Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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