based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Randomize
