woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
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