I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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