so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
