im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I'm at about main and main street
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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