i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
