you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
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