yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
